Heaven on Earth

I just want everyone to have peace and most importantly, love within themselves. If people in society can do that, can you imagine how different life could be for all of us? Peacefulness, Only Love, No Hate, Nothing Stress Worthy… we can live a Heaven on earth, but instead everyone wants to wallop in their own failures, causing even MORE disasters within their mind, which THEN causes the body to become disastrous too. Mind and Body go HAND AND HAND!!!! you ever hear the phrase “I think, therefore I am”? Billie Eilish said this in her song “Therefore I Am”. She is a 19 year old genius, who has already been through so much, that she shares her positive output on life, as well as advice for her younger audience, through her music.

What you think has an effect on your future. It can become success or it could become chaos. It’s whatever you put out there, from your mind. You manifest what your thoughts are. In fact, when I was in middle school, I remember a specific poster from Spanish class that hung above the cupboards of the room. It had said:

“Watch your thoughts, they become words;

watch your words, they become actions;

watch your actions, they become habits;

watch your habits, they become character;

watch your character, for it becomes your destiny”

and that stuck with me for awhile. Another great leader of mine, in life, had said “show me your friends and I’ll show you your future”. It made me realize that I wasn’t hanging out with the right people at the time and sadly, not even after that either, but that quote from her was still embedded in my brain. It was until my lowest point in life that it came out of the works and started taking over my brain. I dropped everyone from my life. Which wasn’t that hard, considering my boyfriend at the time, had alienated me from all my friends and even my family for YEARS! but they say it rains before the rainbow. I felt like I was waiting a looooooooooooong time for this rainbow too. but don’t you worry, it ALWAYS appears when you’ve taken yourself out of a negative situation and start focusing on YOU!!

Now Listen… I was diagnosed with Chronic Depression when I was 14. I did and still do get depressed OUT OF NOWHERE and all I wanna do is die. Living feels pointless and undesirable. I am not perfect, no one is. But if you are mindful of what is ACTUALLY going on around you and within yourself, you can help yourself snap out of it. I promise you, you have absolutely nothing to lose when you focus on yourself. If you’re worried about being insecure in housing, finances, food, etc just know there are family, friends, and even strangers on the Internet that will make sure you’re clothed, fed, and have a place to rest your head. People are really nice in this world, you’ve gotta believe that! Manifest it. You need a little faith in humanity and faith in yourself that you WILL GET THROUGH EVERYTHING WITH POSITIVITY!!! You are loved.

I’m gonna show you

I admit I’m crazy. I go insane when I don’t get my way…. and as I’m writing this, I’m crying…. I am just now realizing that I’ve always been like this. Even as a kid. I always thought it was my ex who screwed with my head, since he physically and verbally abused me… he was manipulative, unsupportive, and overall a toxic person. Sometimes I believe it was me who made him toxic. That may I rubbed off on him too much. But the thing is I never get “crazy” unless something brings it out of me and trust me when I say, a lot can trigger me if I’m dating you. I want a happy relationship but I’m scared to lose my person because maybe I’m not pretty enough. Maybe I’m not serious enough. Maybe I’m not cool enough. Maybe I’m not intelligent enough. Maybe I’m just not worth a damn in the long run. I want to be the reason someone smiles ALL THE TIME!!! I am currently dating someone else and have been for two years but I feel like I’m dating my ex again. Except this guy is actually pretty fucking awesome but he does NOT know how to communicate. Just like my ex. I swear it’s just a BOY thing… like you boys just wanna shut the world out and get pussy… that is all. Yall don’t even want to make anything work, not even your jobs!! You’re miserable and because of it, we’re miserable too!! I just wanna be happy and I can’t be happy with anyone. I have to be happy with myself first, but it’s soooo difficult because then I just get triggered randomly. I can be doing just fine and be happy and you blink and I’m ripping your head off. I don’t want to do that. Sometimes I feel like a different person, but I’m not a schizophrenic. BPD maybe? Bipolar? Either way, mental disorders are not only hard on everyone but it’s more hard on the person who IS going through it because they can’t control themselves. I swear, it’s like when I get triggered, a button turns on and I’m no longer there. In fact, I’m trapped behind a glass window where I can see everything that’s going on but I can’t say or do anything to stop it. I just watch it happen. I watch the people around me suffering because I can’t control my emotions but why is it that people wanna test me? Why can’t I ask a simple question, without someone making me feel stupid because the answer was easy. I’m an over thinker, so I like details, so when I do ask questions I wanna know everything there is to know about the answer. Does that make sense to you? Anyways… mental health is important and you should spend time alone to gather your thoughts and learn new things without anyone to judge you, without anyone to distract you. Do exactly what you wanna do, and alone. You’re gonna be with YOU for the rest of your life. You should treat your body like it’s the only one you have… BECAUSE IT IS. love yourself, clean yourself, entertain yourself, BE yourself. don’t let anyone’s judgment hurt you. Everyone you meet and have met you’ll never see again someday and even if they stick around for awhile, just know that they’re out there for a reason and it’s to teach you something. Take a step back and watch for once. Don’t do anything, just watch your surroundings. You can learn so much from other people but only when you’re silent.

Staying Organized

Who me? Organized? My husband might tell you otherwise, but I do find it hard to keep track of our weekly schedule. You know: school, swimming, grocery shopping, tidying up, paying bills, remembering appointments and so on. Fortunately, in our house we all pitch in. No one person does everything. But we do have a little secret that helps our day run more smoothly.

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