I’m gonna show you

I admit I’m crazy. I go insane when I don’t get my way…. and as I’m writing this, I’m crying…. I am just now realizing that I’ve always been like this. Even as a kid. I always thought it was my ex who screwed with my head, since he physically and verbally abused me… he was manipulative, unsupportive, and overall a toxic person. Sometimes I believe it was me who made him toxic. That may I rubbed off on him too much. But the thing is I never get “crazy” unless something brings it out of me and trust me when I say, a lot can trigger me if I’m dating you. I want a happy relationship but I’m scared to lose my person because maybe I’m not pretty enough. Maybe I’m not serious enough. Maybe I’m not cool enough. Maybe I’m not intelligent enough. Maybe I’m just not worth a damn in the long run. I want to be the reason someone smiles ALL THE TIME!!! I am currently dating someone else and have been for two years but I feel like I’m dating my ex again. Except this guy is actually pretty fucking awesome but he does NOT know how to communicate. Just like my ex. I swear it’s just a BOY thing… like you boys just wanna shut the world out and get pussy… that is all. Yall don’t even want to make anything work, not even your jobs!! You’re miserable and because of it, we’re miserable too!! I just wanna be happy and I can’t be happy with anyone. I have to be happy with myself first, but it’s soooo difficult because then I just get triggered randomly. I can be doing just fine and be happy and you blink and I’m ripping your head off. I don’t want to do that. Sometimes I feel like a different person, but I’m not a schizophrenic. BPD maybe? Bipolar? Either way, mental disorders are not only hard on everyone but it’s more hard on the person who IS going through it because they can’t control themselves. I swear, it’s like when I get triggered, a button turns on and I’m no longer there. In fact, I’m trapped behind a glass window where I can see everything that’s going on but I can’t say or do anything to stop it. I just watch it happen. I watch the people around me suffering because I can’t control my emotions but why is it that people wanna test me? Why can’t I ask a simple question, without someone making me feel stupid because the answer was easy. I’m an over thinker, so I like details, so when I do ask questions I wanna know everything there is to know about the answer. Does that make sense to you? Anyways… mental health is important and you should spend time alone to gather your thoughts and learn new things without anyone to judge you, without anyone to distract you. Do exactly what you wanna do, and alone. You’re gonna be with YOU for the rest of your life. You should treat your body like it’s the only one you have… BECAUSE IT IS. love yourself, clean yourself, entertain yourself, BE yourself. don’t let anyone’s judgment hurt you. Everyone you meet and have met you’ll never see again someday and even if they stick around for awhile, just know that they’re out there for a reason and it’s to teach you something. Take a step back and watch for once. Don’t do anything, just watch your surroundings. You can learn so much from other people but only when you’re silent.